"For the love of bantha!" I hollered as I pinched off the last few inches of the biggest coil I'd ever laid. It had taken a lot of Jedi focus, but now the task was completed.
With sweat still beading on my forehead I pushed the vacuum flush. With a satisfying thwip my lengthy fesses was blasted into space. I turned to look out of the lavatory's small viewport, hoping to catch one last glimpse. Alas, as usual it was not to be.
I did, however, give some thought to that most pleasant of fantasies; that my newly ejected log would prove useful in the fight against the empire. I imagined it spinning through endless space before finally splattering over the windshield of an Imperial fighter, distracting it's pilot at a pivotal moment during a dogfight. Maybe he'd even lose control and crash into a command ship!
A loud knock at the door startled me out of my thoughts.
"Are you finished in there?" Came the familiar voice of Master Rejus "There are other people in need, you know." I unlocked the door and stepped out into the corridor.
"I'm sorry master. Please excuse my crudeness, but I'd give it another fifteen parsecs or so. I had to take a massive Jar Jar Binks in there and it wasn't pretty." I offered. Master Rejus growled as he rejected my advice, brushing past me and locking the lavatory door behind him.
I was due on the bridge but as I started to make my way, the lavatory door suddenly exploded outward in ball of laser fire. I fell to the ground momentarily, my lungs filling with acrid smoke. As I lurched to my feet, Master Rejus sprang from the still smoking cubicle, his blaster in one hand and a newly ignited sabre in the other.
"Prepare to die you treacherous scum!" He yelled. "Your blatant poison gas assassination attempt will not stand!" I could see the burning rage in his eyes and I instinctively drew my own sabre.
"I told you to give it fifteen!" I pleaded. But Rejus was beyond reason. He launched at me and we entwined in ballet of sabre flashes.
Although I was fairly skilled in the arts of the lightsabre, I was still only a padawan to Rejus' master. Our duel reflected this inequity and in one deft move, he disarmed me and span me around.
In the next moment I was standing unarmed with Rejus behind me, his sabre drawn close to my throat. He began to shout in my ear about the audacity of my so called 'attack'. I wasn't listening, however. Having realized that Master Rejus had slipped his sanity, I had already started to focus my Jedi powers for one last attempt at a counter attack. Master Rejus had taught me most of my Jedi skills, of course, but I still had one last trick that he didn't know about.
As I gathered more and more power from my calmed mind, Master Rejus continued his tirade. Due to my focusing, I could only pick out occasional words; "Traitor... Snake... Turd... Nutsack... Timeshare." They meant nothing to me now. Only the calm stillness of the Jedi's spirit held sway.
With a roar, I unleashed the power within and passed gas with the force of a thermal detonator. The sonic boom was deafening and shook the entire ship. After the sound subsided, I stood stock still with my rectum still throbbing and bleeding a little too.
as I turned to face the presumably unconscious Rejus, I realized that the force of the blast had entirely disintegrated both my pants and undergarments, thus exposing my secondary eight inch sabre for all the ship to see.
"Never mind that now!" I scolded myself. My scolding quickly turned to dismay, however, as I found that Refus hadn't been knocked out but had instead exploded into small bits of kibble. The Jedi council was not going to like this. Not one bit.
Further more, I remembered that I'd had a curry the previous night and the super-powered Jedi shit that was now smothering the walls, ceiling and floor was beginning to eat away at the hull like acid.
"Warning! Hull breach detected" The ships computer abruptly blared. The captain was not going to be pleased. He would almost certainly make good on his threat of throwing me into the shit of Sarlac this time!
TO BE CONTINUED... or not. More likely not.